My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Weirdly Wednesday.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.