Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Mornin