I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job