Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The future is now.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO