Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.