I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.