Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.