I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm