Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You Might Also Like
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
But is it really??
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!