A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens