Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate