I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Wait a minute
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.