Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Storm Tropical Storm
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.