If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
is it earth
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?