Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I’d … I’d rather not.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
this country is so goddamn polarized