You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.