Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“We will wed,” I threatened
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
wtf is a larm clock?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?