Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
new career option?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*