Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I have a type: disappointing
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose