I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
We avoided this particular disaster
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.