Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Human are so complicated
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble