DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
You Might Also Like
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
where do you see yourself in five years?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.