My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking