I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits