INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.