5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Sunday
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
This has made my week.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Just grow your own
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Oh thanks BBC.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.