Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.