If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.