snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You Might Also Like
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Going to church you guys need anything
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.