“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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still the best tweet of the year by far
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Always 🥴
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.