Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block