This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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I only eat vegetarians.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
#CatsOnTwitter
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
What number SPF blocks people?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I love the honesty
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.