Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means