*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job