People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
SPLOOT
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets