@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

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@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@ObscureGent

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

@TheAndrewNadeau

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

@FormerHumorist

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.