@Reverend_Scott [1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
@JohnLyonTweets People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@djdarrellripley Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
@shujaxhaider I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
@joshcomers Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
@SomthinBoutSara How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
@ObscureGent I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
@stanleybehrman I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
@TheAndrewNadeau roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
@FormerHumorist Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
@egg_dog imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.