People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Every work call, he judges.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never