People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

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[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.



Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!


I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience


Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.


How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.


I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..


roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right


Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.