My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Customer is always right
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.