Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“you changed” bro i was 15
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor