Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.