Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
This is me
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing