“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You Might Also Like
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Lmao the reply
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo