5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
You Might Also Like
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game