Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]