5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Cop: First name please…
Cop: Last name…
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“You have nice eyes”
– she’s probably heard it a million times
“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know
[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]