5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.