I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
blocked.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.