Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB