It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long