I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.