*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME