If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.