You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.