@djdarrellripley

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

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@pixelatedboat

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

@UnFitz

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

@myonlymizztake

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

@Mom_Overboard

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

@mrtimlong

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

@carlyken

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.