Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Eat…
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?