Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams


“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”


Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.



Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.



When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”


FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN


Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.


Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”



me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it


My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.