The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You Might Also Like
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.