[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
You Might Also Like
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.